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Novel solution found to doping in sport

Filed under: Humour and Nonsense by Hari
Posted on Tue, Nov 9, 2010 at 12:05 IST (last updated: Fri, Jun 8, 2012 @ 19:56 IST)

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Papa Hari News Service

Responding to the increasing concerns of performance enhancing drugs in sport, the Papa Hari Anti Doping Agency (PHADA) has come up with a novel and foolproof solution to the problem.

The Chairman and Secretary of the PHADA, Papa Hari in a recent press conference unveiled the new rules and regulations that all athletes have to adhere to in order to compete at major global amateur and professional sporting competitions.

Dope"Performance enhancing substances give certain athletes undue advantage and we wanted to root out the problem completely from sport," he said, adding that the approach of the PHADA was holistic, novel and completely reliable and not a piecemeal approach. "In order to ensure that athletes no longer use any substances that give them undue advantage, we have decided that those athletes who are participating in major sports event have to check into the Papa Hari Maximum Security Prison at an undisclosed location 90 days prior to the event, where they will be kept under close observation and scrutiny."

Everything from their food intake, sleeping habits and training will be closely observed by security guards and doctors will prepare daily test reports to be submitted to the Papa Hari World Government. Athletes' food and liquid intake will be standardized and every athlete would have to undergo the same number of hours of training every day in order to ensure fairness. Furthermore their sleep will also be controlled and no more than 6 hours of sleep will be allowed so that no athlete gets any undue advantage. The daily calorie intake will also be standardized among all athletes, he revealed.

Following this announcement, a huge number of athletes withdrew from major games, citing health and personal reasons. "Maybe this move is a little drastic but it appears to me to be a perfectly acceptable solution," observed a former tennis player who had never won any major or minor title in his career and is currently employed by an obscure sports channel as a commentator. Others were more forthcoming. "This is a complete violation of our human rights!" screamed a footballer who has earned millions of dollars through commercial brand endorsements, "WHAT RIGHT HAVE THE PAPA HARI ANTI-DOPING AGENCY TO DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS???"

However the all-caps statements of outraged athletes and sports personalities didn't impress many neutral observers. "I think it's a great way to make sure that sports is entirely devoid of unfair advantage and this move will give a level playing field to all athletes," said a man who spends most of his life chomping potato chips in front of the TV and cheering his favourite kabaddi team. "If you want to benefit from sports you have to be prepared to make little sacrifices like these!"

In the meantime, several sports federations across the world have asked for exemption from this rule, in particular Chess and Billiards associations. "We are not sure whether Chess players will be included in this new anti-drug regime," said a former grandmaster, "We seek clarification from the PHADA and hope that the nature of this sport makes the new rules irrelevant in its context."

In other news, several entertainment channels and networks bid fiercely for the telecasting rights to the "training" period. Plans are already underway to market the 90-day internment of the athletes in prison in a reality TV format even as their executive producers drooled over the possibilities offered by this new opportunity. Under the condition of strict anonymity, a TV producer admitted, "When the Papa Hari World Government can come up with these kinds of 'solutions' we save a lot by downsizing our creative teams."

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