Hari's Corner
Humour, comics, tech, law, software, reviews, essays, articles and HOWTOs intermingled with random philosophy now and thenHow Team India can avoid losing
Filed under:
Humour and Nonsense by
Hari
Posted on Thu, Nov 23, 2006 at 10:13 IST (last updated: Wed, Jul 16, 2008 @ 20:36 IST)
- Hire a foriegn team -- now that India has successfully experimented with foriegn coaches, maybe it's time for Team India to comprise entirely of overseas players (do take a hint from England, guys!) At least the Indian players will have more time for their advertising endorsements this way rather than wasting their time on trivial matters like actually playing the game.
- Fund cloud-seeding research -- if more matches get washed out, the less matches India will lose and hence their record will be better. So the BCCI might as well use their funds to develop the art and science of rain-making. The other good thing about rain-making is that we can also use it for less important matters like drought relief.
- Dig up pitches and blame it on terrorists -- Admittedly on foriegn soil, we would need outside support for this, but nevertheless it can be arranged. Again, this is based on the theory that you cannot play a match on a pitch that looks like a raked up paddy field. The added advantage of this technique is that entire tours can be cancelled based on perceived security threats. And the ICC can do nothing about it... bwahahahaha!
- Bring back Kapil Dev and company (as players) -- Why stop at Anil Kumble? India needs its past heroes back on the field to prevent them from losing. Or at least if they lose, we can distract the masses by re-running clips of the '83 World Cup Final for the 12,382,938th time and keep them singing - 'OOH AAH India, AA JAA India' and 'Come On India.'
- Bribe umpires -- A good way to ensure... ahem... neutrality. One good thing with this technique is that you can use it against umpires you don't like. Push some money into his pockets and then scream out loudly so that the world denounces him. What's the worst that can happen? The umpire gets chucked out of Cricket and India gets banned from the ICC? Two pros and no cons. Oh, well, at least we won't see Team India lose any more. The added bonus is that we'll get to see a lot more exciting domestic cricket like Mumbai vs Karnataka and North Zone vs East Zone on DD Sports with the accompanying Hindi-English commentary from the studio experts at Doordarshan!
- Start protesting on and off the field -- If you can't join 'em, beat 'em! So if bribing doesn't work, there's always another way out! Pakistan and Sri Lanka have shown us a great technique which India have yet to adopt effectively. The Art of Protesting. So when Muttiah Muralitharan was accused of chuck... er... having an illegal action (based on a birth-defect), the whole of Sri Lanka rose up in outraged dignity -- right up from the President of the country down to the janitors and sweeps. The Pakistani team has no such problems adopting these techniques either. When confronted with on-field problems, they simply walk out. So what if you have forfeited the match? You still rob your opponents of the satisfaction of a real win! Maybe the Indian Cricket team needs to learn from the Opposition benches of Parliament.
- EA Sports Cricket 2010 -- If none of the above work out, at least ensure that the next release of EA Sports Cricket features India as the strongest team with the highest stats possible so that fans of Indian Cricket can at least enjoy seeing their heroes perform in the virtual world. This is possible if the BCCI officially licenses out our players to EA Sports. Realism? To hell with realism! And oh EA, at least make sure that when Anil Kumble bowls, his action doesn't resemble that of Jeremy Snape.
Comments closed
The blog owner has closed further commenting on this entry.
4 comment(s)
Comment by Sudipta Chatterjee (visitor) on Sat, Nov 25, 2006 @ 01:14 IST #
Comment by hari (blog owner) on Sat, Nov 25, 2006 @ 08:14 IST #
Comment by logesh tamilselvan (visitor) on Mon, Nov 27, 2006 @ 19:50 IST #
Comment by hari (blog owner) on Mon, Nov 27, 2006 @ 20:43 IST #