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PapaRank™ - ranking for human beings

Filed under: Humour and Nonsense by Hari
Posted on Wed, Dec 5, 2007 at 09:03 IST (last updated: Wed, Dec 5, 2007 @ 09:17 IST)

Papa Hari News Service

In an innovative move in line with the current obsession with the Search Engine rankings of internet sites, the Papa Hari Research Institute has come up with a new ranking system for real-life human beings. Speaking to mediapersons at a press conference, the Papa Hari Research Institute President, Papa Hari declared that this system of ranking would ensure peace and harmony in a world filled with strife, violence and hatred. Calling for all human beings on the planet to come up and get themselves ranked, Papa Hari stated that anybody who left themselves out of it now would not be recognized as existing, once the Papa Hari World Government comes to power. "Not getting a rank now means you're practically a non-entity. Nobody acknowledges that you exist. Even you yourself will be forced to acknowledge that you don't exist. The PapaRank™ system will revolutionize the world and give people an idea of how important they really are."

PapaRank wheel of fortune Unveiling the system of ranking, Papa Hari assured everybody that it was an open, unbiased and honest process. "Our algorithm for ranking is completely open source, unlike a certain popular search engine on the internet today," quipped Papa Hari, amidst titters, "The process is as follows. Every human being has one chance in a lifetime to spin a wheel of fortune. Once the wheel stops at a number, that's your rank for life. Having a rank of zero means you're on the lowest level of society. Having a high PapaRank means that you're always on the top of the Papa Hari Police database. We will find you wherever you are within seconds. Isn't that a good enough incentive to spin the wheel and determine your worth?"

Elaborating the system, Papa Hari said that there would be 2 kinds of wheels. One would be the "free wheel" with numbers from 0 to 5. The other one would be a "paid wheel" with the numbers 6 to 10 embedded on it. "To use the paid wheel to determine your ranking, you would obviously need to pay!" said Papa Hari, smiling, "We haven't fixed the rates yet, but we're in the process of determining it." He added that the Papa Hari World Government would reserve its right to arbitrarily fix or take away a PapaRank™ for whatever reason they chose. "We initially wanted to brand every human being with a hot iron on the chest to embed the rank for life, but we thought that that would not allow us to change a rank when needed. So once the Papa Hari World Government comes to power, it would be compulsory for every human being to carry a rank card on their persons at all times."

Fielding questions from anxious reporters and newspersons, a Papa Hari Research Institute Spokesman later said that the Institute had spent a lot of time and effort in developing a system which would give people a chance to determine their worth. "We know that most people are uncomfortable with their own self-worth and always love comparing themselves with their neighbours. By allowing our system to rate your worth, you can be assured of complete impartiality and accuracy and it also gives you a quantitative, objective value instead of subjective opinions." He added, "by opting for the Paid Wheel, you ensure that your future worth cannot drop below a certain level, subject to our conditions of course." When reporters objected to the ranking system, calling it discriminatory and arbitrary, the Papa Hari Spokesman pointed out to a popular search engine on the internet and said, "Look. People will always accept others' estimation of their own value. We are only extending the same principle. In truth, the PapaRank™ system gives every human being an opportunity to live a life of dignity and self-respect."

Asked for their reactions to the ranking system, many world leaders reacted negatively and feared that it would take away their role in determining their people's worth. "We will fight this battle in courts," said the leader of a powerful democratic nation, "We will never allow an entity like the Papa Hari Foundation to take away what is legitimately ours. The ranking system will be a failure." Many others also questioned the practical benefits that would arise from such a ranking system. Papa Hari was unavailable for comment on the prevailing criticism, but a secretary brushed aside all the doubts, saying "once the Papa Hari World Government takes over, the point is moot."

9 comment(s)

  1. Great idea... I think there'll be no need for anyone to carry a resume or marks card etc, just flash Papa Rank card and get a job or loan or whatever...

    Comment by Shrinidhi Hande (visitor) on Wed, Dec 5, 2007 @ 14:48 IST #
  2. I'm glad you have seen the Light, Shrinidhi. That is Papa Hari's first step to world domination.

    Comment by hari (blog owner) on Wed, Dec 5, 2007 @ 16:04 IST #
  3. No branding or cards, tattoo on the forehead would work.. You can choose between Classic Hebrew numbers or Roman Numbering. :)

    Comment by drew (visitor) on Wed, Dec 5, 2007 @ 21:14 IST #
  4. You're evil, Papa Hari. I just thought I should say that.

    Comment by (visitor) on Thu, Dec 6, 2007 @ 02:43 IST #
  5. Drew, tatoos sounds like a good idea.

    RT, Papa Hari expresses his thanks for the compliments. :)

    Comment by hari (blog owner) on Thu, Dec 6, 2007 @ 07:13 IST #
  6. Brilliant. Beat Google at their own game! You've just earned a new subscriber Hari!

    Comment by Nick Ramsay (visitor) on Sun, Dec 9, 2007 @ 11:00 IST #
  7. Thanks a lot, Nick! :)

    Comment by hari (blog owner) on Sun, Dec 9, 2007 @ 18:42 IST #
  8. I don't know if I will be able to afford the paid wheel. I guess I'll just have to take my chances and hope for something higher than 2.

    Comment by Ernie (visitor) on Mon, Dec 17, 2007 @ 07:39 IST #
  9. Don't worry. We offer special discount on the paid wheel as an introductory offer ;-)

    Comment by hari (blog owner) on Mon, Dec 17, 2007 @ 08:36 IST #

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