Hari's Corner

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So you want to be an Internet tough guy?

Filed under: Humour and Nonsense by Hari
Posted on Wed, Jul 25, 2007 at 22:52 IST (last updated: Thu, Oct 30, 2008 @ 08:03 IST)

Papa Hari has read your innermost thoughts and will grant you the knowledge you require in order to be a tough guy online. Most geeks/nerds want to promote a "tough guy" image on the internet, but the majority don't have a clue as to how to do it. Here Papa Hari will share his innermost secrets to help you attain that which you seek! :)

Get rid of that blog

Yes, you got that right first time. Internet tough guys don't "blog" or embrace any "social" technology. You need to remember that to be a really effective tough guy online, you need to project that 80s era look and feel. Blogs don't fit it in with that image. If you must "blog" then call it an electronic diary (and don't forget to turn off commenting), which brings me to my second point...

Chuck out your buzzword vocabulary

Internet tough guys don't use jargon and buzzwords like blog, social networking, online community or anything remotely connected with the 21st century. The only context in which you should use these words are when you want to pour your scorn on the new generation of internet users (you know, the kind who create Orkut/MySpace/Facebook profiles, who put their cute little holiday photos on Flickr or Picasa and embrace YouTube and other assorted Web 2.0 nonsense).

Disdain technology (especially Web 2.0)

Your website should be absolutely primitive and use plain, simple HTML coding. Don't use any fancy graphics or colours. They're not in keeping with your image. Just use plain, bare HTML with no colourful graphics or design elements. If you must use graphics, then just put up an old, blurred black-and-white mugshot in your "About Me" page. Do anything to avoid Microsoft technology or if you are forced to, just avoid mentioning it in any of your writings.

If you don't know what vi is (and no, that's not vim), you don't qualify to be an internet tough guy. Disdain every technology except the omnipresent, macho text mode editor. It's not enough if you just use this editor, you also need to proclaim this fact on your website so that all your readers know the stuff you're made of.

Use plenty of expletives

Using a choice range of expletives gives the impression that you're a serious badass. Use derogatory and politically incorrect terminology as well. Also don't forget to abuse everybody and everything in the universe: there are just no sacred cows! Just don't overdo it and spoil the whole effect. Be grammatical and spell right. Tough guys don't use slang either. Call your readers "losers" and "idiots" at least twice in every article you write (update: suggested alternatives: dumbass, moron, retard). Assume that most people have an IQ of -50. In your front page, remember to warn all readers that they enter your website at their own risk.

Be cynical, arrogant and anti-social

Cynicism fits in well with your tough-guy image. Being cheerful or optimistic about anything is a no-no. If you have to be humourous, be sardonic as well. Adopt an omniscient attitude and remember: what you write is just not your opinion - it's fact. Anybody who doesn't get it is a loser.

Arrogance is another quality of the internet tough guy. Humility or modesty are qualities to be avoided at all costs. After all, geniuses don't need to be humble. Being anti-social is an additional advantage.

Write at least one "famous" article

Become famous (or notorious) and write at least one article which propels you to Internet celebrity status. This particular article should be a little milder and slightly less obnoxious, but more controversial than your other writings. Don't forget: this article is just the taste of things to come for the curious idiots who start exploring other sections of your website.

You're a hacker - not a geek

Publishing semi-useless and obscure Perl or Python scripts will fit well into the scheme of things. Even if you cannot go beyond a simple "Hello World" make it look pretty sophisticated and exotic. Writing unusual scripts will show them that you're not one to be messed around with. In general, you are a computer expert (subject to the condition that all technology invented after 1990 is taboo). Publish your GPG public key as well just to let people know how much of a geek you are (if you don't know what GPG is, you don't qualify, sorry!)

In general, try to show the world how useful you are to the cause of Computer Science and hackerdom.

List of things you should hate

Here's a list of things you must compulsorily hate (and express that hate in a suitably contemptuous manner) in order to be an Internet tough guy.

Publish your hate mail

And comment on them rudely and sarcastically. Don't forget, if you don't get hate-mail, you're a nobody in this business. So just invent some if you have to. Tip: Be inconsistent with your responses, otherwise people will get suspicious. Don't forget to remind readers from time to time that you derive a lot of wicked pleasure in revealing the stupidity of people who mail you.

That's all for now, folks. Now go be that tough guy you always wanted to become, but were afraid to ask. We'll hand out the diplomas once we start seeing results! :P

22 comment(s)

  1. I thought that was PGP key (Pretty Good Privacy) not GPG. You got that, tough guy?

    Comment by RT Cunningham (visitor) on Wed, Jul 25, 2007 @ 23:25 IST #
  2. I so was hoping for hate mail for my toptenterrorists.org domain but I have yet to recieve one.. it's a bummer and I was so hoping to get hate mail to publish on the site. Oh well.

    Comment by drew (visitor) on Thu, Jul 26, 2007 @ 02:27 IST #
  3. heh. Being a chick, I don't need to look for "tough guy" status... :)

    Comment by titanium (visitor) on Thu, Jul 26, 2007 @ 03:37 IST #
  4. RT, GPG is short for GNU Privacy Guard, an open-source/FOSS implementation of PGP, so there! :razz:Drew, follow my advice: invent some. It doesn't matter either way since you will not need to publish the email ids (in the name of privacy!)TG, hmm... it seems I cannot cater to every market. Nevertheless you'll be admitted to the university if you want!

    Comment by hari (blog owner) on Thu, Jul 26, 2007 @ 07:40 IST #
  5. I've updated the article with "things Internet tough guys *should* hate."

    Comment by hari (blog owner) on Thu, Jul 26, 2007 @ 09:21 IST #
  6. I have read the article and entering my attendence. (lest you complain... :oops: )Nothing specific to comment

    Comment by Shrinidhi Hande (visitor) on Thu, Jul 26, 2007 @ 11:40 IST #
  7. Shri,you shouldn't feel obligated to comment. I won't take it amiss if you fail to post a comment so no problem. :smile:

    Comment by hari (blog owner) on Thu, Jul 26, 2007 @ 11:42 IST #
  8. [...] ingredients as exfoliants (removing dead skin) at Healthy Lifestyle. In my aspirations at being an Internet tough guy, I use the old-fashioned method of scrubbing my face with a cloth. It that doesn’t work, [...]

    Comment by Blog Drive-Bys for 2007-07-26 - Untwisted Vortex (visitor) on Thu, Jul 26, 2007 @ 20:58 IST #
  9. No, I will not create hate mail, I want the real thing, it's much more funnier and I had planned on posting their full info if they're dumb enough to provide it, which most are.. :)

    Comment by drew (visitor) on Thu, Jul 26, 2007 @ 22:00 IST #
  10. Drew, I thought you got a lot of hate mail from LQ members. Do you still get them these days? :razz:

    Comment by hari (blog owner) on Fri, Jul 27, 2007 @ 07:54 IST #
  11. No more LQ hate mail since I rarely even post there any longer. I just wish some days Jeremy would remove my mod status. Perhaps I'll just get Ray to ban me.. :)

    Comment by drew (visitor) on Fri, Jul 27, 2007 @ 22:39 IST #
  12. Too good! I'm going to refer this to Desipundit and Blogbharti!! :)

    Comment by Sudipta Chatterjee (visitor) on Sat, Jul 28, 2007 @ 03:51 IST #
  13. What more to say than :smile:

    Comment by Z (visitor) on Sat, Jul 28, 2007 @ 06:02 IST #
  14. Drew, that would be the ultimate "tough" guy status: a mod banned by another mod. :mrgreen:Blogbaarathi... not Blogbharti, I am a thamizhan...Z, you use Flock. That's #1 disqualification from being a "tough guy". :P

    Comment by hari (blog owner) on Sat, Jul 28, 2007 @ 13:40 IST #
  15. Something was wrong, I'm not using flock :shock:

    Comment by Z (visitor) on Sat, Jul 28, 2007 @ 18:55 IST #
  16. Z, maybe your browser got wrongly identified.

    Comment by hari (blog owner) on Sat, Jul 28, 2007 @ 20:38 IST #
  17. Hello tough guy! So you don't embrace blog and at the same time give all your suggestions to be tough on a blog post. Hah! really tough!:biggrin:

    Comment by Shom (visitor) on Tue, Apr 28, 2009 @ 16:36 IST #
  18. What a tough guy you would be if your not doing such one thing in the list. I don't think there's someone could exist in this world with that compulsory things to hate lists, especially iPhones! Sorry, but I don't think I could be tough as that since I really can't leave my iPhone anywhere, it should be on my side always ;-)

    Comment by iphone tools (visitor) on Fri, Aug 20, 2010 @ 06:22 IST #
  19. It is amazing how expletives command attention. LOL

    Comment by Steven Roddy (visitor) on Wed, Oct 27, 2010 @ 07:57 IST #
  20. Yes, true, Steven. The effect is mesmeric. :biggrin:

    Comment by Hari (blog owner) on Wed, Oct 27, 2010 @ 12:23 IST #
  21. I was totally amused after I read this blog. It's not quiet easy to be an internet tough guy. :-)

    Comment by brad (visitor) on Mon, Nov 8, 2010 @ 00:38 IST #
  22. This is great. I love the first piece about ditching the blog ... blogs are diaries and diaries are for girls.

    At least call it a website, right.

    Comment by Kevin (visitor) on Fri, Nov 4, 2011 @ 01:39 IST #

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